Do you like being a lover – my lover? You don’t mind either way, do you? Our afternoon fucks are a bonus. They’re a treat. Our affair is a distraction. And it’s easy, because it’s on a plate. Because here I am, right in front of you.

It’s easy for you, too. You just drive here. And drive off again.

But part of me gets caught here. Snagged. Do you think about me when I’m not here? I’ll bet you don’t. Well, I think about you.

 

The real drama of your life is elsewhere – I know that. It’s your magnum opus. Wrestling with its very possibility. Or impossibility. That’s your drama. That’s what’s keeping you occupied.

And it’ll keep you busy for a number of years yet. Until … your late thirties, maybe. Or early forties. When you decide you’re bored of it all.

 

Only in philosophy are you allowed to think you still might develop into something, age thirty-two. That you could still have unlimited promise in your early thirties. That if you work in your room for long enough. If you read the wright books for long enough, you’ll turn the right corner. There you’ll be …

And I like it in you, that hope. It’s attractive. Your idealism … Like you’re about to change the thought world.

 

One day, I’ll just leave you to it, your ambitions, your great project. I’ll tiptoe away, and you won’t really notice. It won’t really disturb you.

And it won’t disturb you, either. You’ll have our husband to go back to.

Go back to? I never left him.

 

So it’ll be an episode, for both of us. An episode. A what-was-that? A what-happened-there? A what-was-that-all-about? A just-think-of-it. An imagine- that. Something to occupy our thoughts in dull hours. Something to wonder at. To get wistful about. Nostalgic.

 

One day you’ll tell your husband all about it. One day, when you’re feeling particularly close. On an anniversary, or something. On his birthday, or yours. You’ll tell him about your love affair – that’s what you’ll call it. It’ll all come out. To show him not to take you for granted. Not to assume you couldn’t lead an entirely life if you chose to. Not to think you weren’t ever so interesting to someone. That would add an unexpected twist to the evening, wouldn’t it? That would make him sit up and listen …

And you won’t tell anyone. Not even your future wife. Your future girlfriend …