All of us hate ourselves, despise ourselves and we want it all to end. Because the end is simple. But things are not simple. Nothing’s simple. The world itself … is too old. Too twisted. Too gnarled.
The only road is suicide. The only option. And we can’t even kill ourselves. We can’t even bring it to an end. We don’t have the will. Isn’t that pathetic? So we want the universe to end it now. To end our agony. But the universe is disobliging. The universe isn’t going to help.
We pray to God to excise us. To delete us. To wipe the memory of us from the earth. But there is no God, which means our prayers don’t work, which means there is no death, which means there is no end.
What kind of obsession is this? What kind of displacement activity? What does it take the place of? Real lives? Actual lives? But what are those? What could we know of those?
Do people out there in the world live real lives – actual lives? Are they actually going somewhere? Is it possible not just to be lost? Not just to turn in circles now and forever? Is it possible to break the chain? To step out of this – endlessness? To cut the knot?
Toying with death, playing fort-da with death. This is our drama – pathetic, isn’t it?
This is what we are. What we do. Together. With each other. This is what we drive each other to. This is how we torment each other.
Won’t someone stop us. Won’t someone prevent it? Won’t someone call a halt?
An argument for the inexistence of God. The greatest argument – the greatest proof. That we should be allowed to go on. That we continue in our way. That we’re compelled to do … this. Whatever this is.
No mercy is being shown us. We’re left to turn in our circles. To chicken scratch. We’re left to the andmoreagain. To the enteral return of our defeat, which is really only self-defeat.
Blank skies. Void skies. Nothing skies, with no one there.
We want to bring life to climax. To conclusion. We want something to begin – by ending. We want rising action. Ascent. We want to climb to a point of no return.
Do not pretend that there’s any point to this. Do not regard this as worthwhile. Do not take this for anything of importance.
But we don’t!
The basic question. The first question. The urquestion. Why? Why us? Why this? Why anything? Why the world?
The affront of our existence. The insult of our existence. To ourselves, who exist. The affront of having to exist. That anything has to exist.
The affront of the world. The affront of time – and space. The affront of everything. The affront of it all existing.
The universe should apologise to us – for existing. And we should apologies to ourselves – for existing.
We are in the wrong, and we know this, which means we are in the right – about being wrong. Which means we’re undeceived. Because we live in deception and know that deception … Because we speak in lies and know that they’re lies …
This is what we have in common. This is what we share. We’re fellows in alienation. In failure. In falling away from the world. In disappointment. In fuck up.
We’re compatriots in disaster. Because we know our lives as disaster. Because we know the world as disaster, in that it hasn’t ended our lives. We’ll live on together. We’ll go on together. In the knowledge that we shouldn’t live on. That we shouldn’t go on.
That we exist is proof that the world shouldn’t go on. That we are at all shows very plainly the world’s failure. The world’s randomness. The absence of a divine plan or any plan. That we’ve been allowed to continue. To wander on. Is all the proof that’s needed …
We’ll worship only what meant our destruction. A killing god – the only god we could believe in. God as death sentence. God as wrath – as the embodiment of our wrath, who do not want to live. God as end and utter end. In an endless world. God who is nothing other than the end, the apocalypse. Nothing other than judgement, and a total judgement.
Work in Progress 