Cup of tea, anyone?
Stop offering tea. It’s aggressive, offering tea. It’s so deflationary. So bathetic. So British. The great leveller: tea. Well, I’m the enemy of tea. I refuse to drink tea, ever again. I’m making a stand against tea.
I don’t even want to see you drinking tea in front of me. You drink tea in a deflationary way. As if to say, all this is nonsense. UnBritish nonsense. You’re an enemy, basically.
Have a nice cup of tea – as if it could all be reduced to that. Settled by that. A nice cuppa. Come on.
Next you’ll be offering biscuits. Tea and biscuits! Tea and fucking biscuits! It’s torture! Biscuits! Who eats biscuits? No one over the age of twelve should eat biscuits. Biscuits are the enemy.
Chump actually ate all the biscuits.
You fucking pig, Chump.
What about coffee? Coffee’s more continental. And you can add spirits to coffee. Which is also continental.
What should we be drinking? Absinthe?
Do you have any spirits?
Opening the cupboards.
Day old beer, God!
Work in Progress 