Ex-Atheist

Would you even miss me if we never saw one another again? Would I miss you? I don’t know.

 

Is this, like, a success or a failure? On whose terms? On what terms? What has this been about?

 

It doesn’t have to succeed to succeed. It doesn’t have to last to last.

 

So what was it? It wasn’t anything. What was it for? It was for nothing. And I like that thought: that it was for nothing.

What should it have to be?

What’s anything, anyway? What’s it for? All of it? What are we doing? What have we been doing? What does it add up to?

 

Why should anything add up to anything? Just let it go. Just let it vaporise, vanish. Just let it go vague. And one day you’ll remember it, maybe. One day, it may come to you, or not. You may remember this, or that.

 

There’s no need to remember any of this. No need to keep it. We should just … release it all into forgetting. What was there to remember, anyway? What’s going to be left of it? Where’s it all going to go?

Into the memory of God.

Is that true? Does God remember things? Or does he simply forget? Isn’t God forgetting – the power of forgetting. God will forget everything for us. Will release it into forgetting. Just as we should be released into forgetting.

 

So we’ll release it into the forgetting of God. God will forget it all for us.

Release it unto God. Let it be peaceful in God. Let it be calm in God.

 

Would you miss me? I’d miss me – this me. I’d miss what I’d become.

 

I’m tired of atheists. I used to be an atheist.

An atheist is a very boring thing to be. The most boring people are atheists.

What do you believe in?

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything anymore.

 

I’ve forgotten everything but God. God remembers me now. I’ve forgotten everything except God’s memory of me. See, I’m profound, philosopher. Or God’s profound in me.

I speak like I’m stoned. But I’m not even stoned. Is that what it means to do philosophy?

Fuck, I’m not even drunk. I’m not even anything. I’m not even alive. I’m not even dead. I’m not even anything. I’m not even nothing. I’m not even not even. Fuck.

 

I’m changing into an unknown person. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror.

 

I don’t know how to answer the simplest question. I’m stoned without being stoned. Drunk without being drunk.