Who do I Have to Be?

What’s going to happen to us, philosopher? What are we being shown? Or maybe it’s only being show to me. Maybe all this is a lesson for me. Only, what am I suppose to learn? Where is it supposed to be leading me? What am I supposed to do? Who do I have to be?

 

I’m hiding from myself. I stand in my own way. I’m … my own obstacle. How do I disappear? How to I become transparent, so that the light just pours through me?

I think it’s possible, philosopher. I think it could happen.

 

All my life I was running from it – and now … until now.

And there it is, waiting for me. So still and calm. There it is, in the light from the skylight.

 

There’s something I have to say. And I’m searching for it, philosopher. I’m trying to find the words. And let he words surprise me.

 

Am I going to have to radiate light? Me, who am not worthy of anything? Because that’s what I feel: light is going to pour through me.

 

The light’s too bright. It’s making me – see myself. It’s shining right through me. It’s showing me what I am. Revealing me to – what? To myself? To the eye of God.

Is this who I’m supposed to be? Am I living the life I’m supposed to have led? And if not? Am I supposed to repent of my entire life? Of everything?

 

My marriage – which I’m violating. My whole life – which I’m mocking.

Is there a way to live without mockery? Does it have to be a farce?