Business Talk

Organisational Management’s changing lanes.

 

They have the whip-hand.

 

They want our philosophical chops.

 

They’re feeling us out. The Xmas party is, like, a vibe hang.

 

Either way, we’re going to have to sing for our supper.

 

They’re going to cut Philosophy close to the bone.  They’re going under the philosophical hood.

 

Buckle up.

 

We need to present them with a coherent plan. With a united front.

We don’t have a coherent plan. Or a united front.

 

Our blood’s in the water.

 

Are we going to land the plane?

Is this business talk?

 

We’re basically highly interchangeable modular parts.

 

They want us to be new gen organisational managers.

 

Has Organisational Management been looking at the numbers?

Is there money to be made?

It’s not about the money. Organisational Management’s bigger than money.

 

What’s our brand? What’s our USP?

European philosophy, idiot.

 

I’m spitballing here. This is improv.

 

They need new blood. Fire-breathers. To, like, kick Organisational Management around.

 

They want a strategic refocus.

 

It’s a bear hug. A hostile takeover.

Ooh Mr business.

 

Tired of the Organisational Management cornholing. Aren’t you?

 

We’re going to have to get business-y. Wear business suits and that sort of thing. Wear pantsuits. Ready for a pantsuit, Io?

What actually is a pantsuit? And business shoes, or whatever. And saying things like, open your kimono. Come on, you’ve seen Succession.

 

We need to get our ducks in a row. Or new ducks. Or something.

 

They’ll CRUSH us. They’ll FUCK us. Effortlessly. With a twitch of their wings.

 

They eat people like us for breakfast. Very cunning business minds.

 

This is their wheelhouse.

 

Is there a kill list? Are they going to let some of us go.? Replace us with some of their own people? Do they want to bring in some hot young analytic philosophers? Or maybe they’ll be just build their own.

 

We’re a parts shop. They’re selling us for parts. What parts? Aesthetics? Metaphysic? Do they want to go long on logic? Does the market like the history of philosophy.

 

They’ll destroy everything we built.

That Cicero built. We didn’t built anything.

Cicero built Philosophy out of us.

 

It’s a prestige thing for Organisational Management. They want a really old school subject area on board.

 

They don’t care whether we’re European or analytic philosophy. Just a long as we bring the students in.

We don’t actually bring any students in.

Or raise our position in the league tables.

We’re actually falling down the league tables.

Don’t tell them that! They don’t know that!

 

We’ve not been raised by business wolves. We’re soft. We’re delicate.

 

The Organisational Management move is sublime. There was no battle. It was just total takeover. Like god, saying Let there be light. No struggle. No chaoskampf. They declared it was so., and it was so. The new reality. And face it: they’re in charge of reality. We’re nothing in all this.

 

We’re rolling deep.

 

This is business reality. This is the business imaginary. This is how business imagines itself. What it thinks the world is like. And should be like.

 

We’ve got to go hard. To pull out the strap-on. Get lubed up.

 

Fucked by the great Organisational Management strap-on.

 

They’ve nailed us to the Organisational Management mast. They’re collecting philosopher’s skulls. To drink out of them.

 

Are we going to have to make a presentation on visions and values, or whatever? This is our first real meeting with them all.

It’s informal. It’s a meet and greet.

 

What if they have ideas for philosophy?

Of course they’ll have ideas for philosophy. Organisational Management ideas.

For philosophy?

Of course.

 

We’re just minding shop. Until they bring their own philosophers in.

Organisational Management philosophers?

Analytic philosophers. The next best thing.

 

Are our ducks in a row? What ducks? We have no ducks.

The figurative ducks. Is that how they speak in business studies?

 

Here we are, the dream team. Nearly the full seven. With our PGs. Taking the battle to them.

What battle?

Taking the attitude.

What attitude?

 

Anyway, this is just foreplay. The full move doesn’t take place until next academic year. We’ve got the winter, the spring, the autumn. This is the on ramp. It’s a long on-ramp. There has to be a synchronisation. But they want to see a full strategic plan by Easter. This is just the beginning.

 

How do the organisational managers dress? What’s an organisational manager look? Casual Fridays?

 

Is it power dressing? Shoulder-pads? Or was that just the ‘80s.

 

Let’s do a breakout chat, just the three of us.

 

We’re huddling on that.

 

Come on, group-hug.

 

Their demolition derby.

 

We’re the philosophical B-roll, and the organisational managers are the new master race.

 

Without Cicero – who are we? What are we?

They want to see who we are without Cicero.

Who actually are we without Cicero?

They want to meet the team.

The ‘team’. God help us – are we a team? A gang? A crew?

We were always Cicero’s crew.

We’re still Cicero’s crew?

 

Are you ready, space cowboys?

 

Philosophy’s going to be a premium product. An extra – and what an extra! To Organisational Management studies.

 

We’re base-jumping into the unknown,

 

They have some notes. About our teaching. About our modules.

Some notes!?

 

You’ll just suck the biggest dick in the room.

 

Carpe the diem, people.

 

Can you see them snaking around?

 

It’s a fait accompli. They went over our heads. Like, infinitely over. We’re irrelevant. This isn’t some negotiation. Why are they even inviting us?

To play nice.

 

Things are getting peppery.

 

It’s a big tent, apparently. The Organisational Management big tent. All the humanities in it tent.

 

We reek of loserdom to them. We stink of it: loserdom.

 

Do you think they’ll have a kill list – is that what this is about? Who will stay and who will go?

 

We young philosophical Turks. Who wouldn’t want to keep us?