We’re not a normal department. We’re a joke department. Cicero brought us here. To play a joke on everyone. On the university. On us. On herself.
So you’re a joke?
Some kind of joke, yes. This was all a prank. This was all madness. Her madness. And now you’ve brought us across, thinking that we’re up and comers. Exciting types. Thrusting types. Exciting philosophical new blood. When in fact, we’re just … losers. Who lucked into a job.
It doesn’t matter anyway. There are so many of us, and so few of you. You’ll be lost in the throng. You’ll disappear. You’ll be forgotten.
I think you’re more interesting that way. As fuck-ups. I think I like your fucked-upness.
I’m a fuck-up. People say I wouldn’t have got my job if it weren’t for Alan. I don’t have any Major Publications. I don’t publish in the top 5 journals. My H index just isn’t there. My Google Scholar profile sucks. That’s what they say about me, I think. Never to my face. But I can feel it at dinner parties.
You go to dinner parties? Organisational Management dinner parties?
Sure.
What are they like?
They suck.
Do you have philosophy dinner parties?
We don’t have dinner parties. We drink.
How … adolescent. You’re not part of a couple, see. You don’t do couply things.
Do you have to have dinner parties?
Of course. It’s compulsory.
You won’t be a joke here. You’ll be the exotic philosophers. You’ll just fascinate everyone.
Do you think?
You’ll wow them with your exoticism. You’ll be like birds of paradise.
We’ll be flavour of the month until you move the next humanities subject in.
But you’re the big fish. You’re philosophy.
The uni would probably close us sooner or later. I mean we’re ranked pretty low. And when it comes to the next research exercise, we’d just be fucked.
Organisational Management can protect you. Just join up with one of our funding bids. Join one of our big research teams. You can look into sustainability, or something.
But then you’d actually have to do research into sustainability …
So what? Global challenges: that’s where the big money is. You have to be relevant, philosopher. Draw down some money. That’s how you save yourself, philosopher. It’s cynical, but realistic.
Because what’s real is cynical.
You don’t have to be all tragic.
Work in Progress 