Work in Progress

I don’t know what to do. I feel … posthumous. Like I died long ago. And I’m just outliving myself. I’m living for … nothing. I’m doing nothing. Nothing good.

 

You thrive on this. On this … nihilism. This is what you like. Fuck.

 

How do you keep going? What drives you? Just fucking nihilism?

 

I don’t like seeing you like this. I like you all noble and aspiring. About to write some masterpiece and so cute. Not all blowsy …

This is alcoholic me.

You’re not even an alcoholic. Which makes it even more depressing.

You’re not even drinking yourself to death. You just want to be … stunned, or something. Hit over the head.

 

Now you’ll have an excuse for not finishing anything. For not achieving anything.

 

Now everyone can talk about ruined promise. About what you could have been. Even though you know you couldn’t have been anything.

 

Anyway, it’s very mid twentieth century, drinking yourself to death. No one’s into that anymore. People are more sensible.

I hate sensible.

 

What happened to your lofty philosophical dreams?

I thought you had contempt for my lofty philosophical dreams.

At least you had dreams. At least you had something.

It’s a one off. I’m drunk, true … but it’s just an … afternoon thing. It’s an afternoon melancholy thing.

It’s an afternoon drinking-yourself-to-death thing.

 

God … How did this happen? Do I have such poor taste? Where exactly did I go wrong?

See, you like masochist death boys. Philosophy boys. You like the death-drive. You want to follow me down the drain.

I come here for sex, not death.

 

Alcoholism’s been done. It’s so boring. Drinking and drinking and then what?

God, the amount of literary drunks. And God knows, philosophical drunks. And artistic drunks.

 

You’re drinking too much.

Maybe I am.

Day drinking. Can’t be good for you. Shouldn’t you wait until it’s dark at least? Until the sun crosses the yard arm, or whatever.

 

You need to move. You need to get away from the coast. It’s not good for you.

 

You need looking after. You need some poor sap to look after you. Who will she be? Whose life are you going to ruin? I mean,  apart from your own.

 

So join me. Have a drink.

How am I going to get home? That’d be a giveaway, wouldn’t it?

I thought your husband was in Bulgaria.

Go on then. Pour me a glass. I’m going to join you in degradation. I want to be a cliché, too.

 

I could stay the night.

So stay the night.

Here in the void. Here in the fucking void.

 

God, I’m off the tracks. I don’t know where I’m heading. Nowhere good … What a waste of life. We’re just spoiling … everything … When my husband comes back, I’ll sober up. I’ll live sensibly again …

 

Like attracts like. Like knows like. We’re pretty similar, you and I.

Don't fucking say it.

 

You’re wondering how you might meet some cute young thing who would take pity on you and look after you and stop you drinking yourself to death. Someone who’d be fascinated by your literariness. By your philosophicalness. Are there girls like that anymore? I don’t think there are. Too bad for you.

 

Our little death drive. Our little death detour … We took a wrong turn. It isn’t supposed to be like this.

What isn’t?

Life. All of life. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

 

Let’s dance. Let’s drunk dance. Let’s dance ourselves to death, or drink ourselves to death, or whatever.

 

You should write a philosophy of drinking. Is there such a thing?

Oh, there can be a philosophy of anything.

A philosophy of fucking?

Definitely a philosophy of fucking.

Do you like it when a girl says, fucking?

I do, actually.

I can tell.

 

Something’s happening. Vast, and corrupting. Some horrible something.

How vague.

Don’t you feel it? Something demonic, maybe … And we’re part of it.

Are we?

 

Something’s out there, preparing to make its move. Something evil. I know it. There’s evil out there. There’s evil, planning. Seeing that we’re weak – distracted. Seeing that we’re looking elsewhere.

Evil’s getting ready. Evil’s readying itself. Evil’s gathering its forces, out there in the darkness.

 

Sometimes you just have to lie fallow.

Is that what we’re doing?

You have to fall below the world. Fall below yourself. Have days where you don’t talk to anyone. You don’t see anyone. Just opt out. Close the curtains, or whatever.

 

Lifestyle’s not enough for you, is it? You want to destroy your lifestyle. You want risk. You want the void. You want it because your life’s too positive. You’re unhappy. No – you want to be unhappy. You ant sabotage. You want to destroy your life. Because you’re bored in some fundamental sense.

 

This is part of some peculiar psych-game with your husband, isn’t it? Some negotiation …

 

You like this humanities world. It gives you a thrill. Peps you up. I think you’re basically fucking the humanities.

 

Humanities types, floating above it all, never having to make money. It’s an easy life. Just thinking yourself superior to everyone else. A beautiful soul. Floating above the real world … I suppose you’re dreadfully left wing. And communist. Are you a communist? I’ll bet you are. Fucking commie. I have a commie lover. Laughter. Fuck me, comrade.

 

Is this how lovers talk?

You should remember. With your husband.

Oh that was years ago. I’m not sure I want to remember.

Was there a honeymoon period?

There’s always a honeymoon period. Then there was a humdrum period. Then there was a blue period – a fifteen years together and what for period.

And what period are you in now?

The illicit period.

Gosh, how exciting.

 

You’ve never told me you love me.

Because I don’t. I don’t even love you. But I don’t not love you either.

What’s that supposed to mean?

This.

Don’t think you can hide it by kissing me.

 

I don’t think anyone’s found me interesting before.

I find you … hot.

That’s not the same thing.

I think you take me seriously. And I like being taken seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever been taken seriously before.

 

You should be with some blue-haired humanities type.

Do you think?

A real radical. Instead of an organisational management person.

 

Lovers are so pleased with their love. They think it makes them so exceptional. But really …

 

We’re, like, flattered by our feelings. They make us feel exalted. Like something important is happening.

 

I think it must be nice to fall in love a couple of times a year. Keep things fresh. Like, hack the body to release just the right amount of serotonin or dopamine, or whatever.

 

Tell me something surprising. Tell me something you’ve never told anyone. I want a confession. Something intimate. That’s just shared between us.

 

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a mini-break?

Where would we go?

Somewhere in Europe. Paris, or wherever.

Paris? I wouldn’t know what to do in Paris.

Have you never been there?

I don’t think I could go. I might explode.

I thought you were supposed to be a European philosopher. My God. A European thinker allergic to Europe. I’ll bet philosophy’s in the air there. I’ll bet everyone talks philosophy night and day. Is that what you’re frightened of: being found out?

 

See our lives are open, up here. Anything could happen – don’t you think?

Except you leaving your husband.

Why do you have to bring up that?

 

The world’s crashing, that’s the truth of it. There’s some giant crash happening, so slowly we can barely notice it. The whole universe is crashing.

Into what?

Into itself. In some way. Galaxies colliding, or whatever. Or not colliding. Just passing through each other. Some catastrophe greater than anything. That is everything. That is the universe itself, catastrophizing.

Is that it? Impressive. Quite a spiel.

Do I qualify as a philosopher? Is this how you guys talk?

If only.

 

God. I’m turning into a philosopher. Turns out philosophy’s infectious. Turns out I can play philosopher.

 

There’s no reason to talk and there’s nothing to talk about. It’s just the great futility.

Maybe you need a new lover.

Ha ha.

Maybe you need something else to distract you.

Maybe.

 

Here we are, post sex and pre showers. And pre putting our clothes back on. What are we doing here? Just lying about, waiting for what? Just being here. Just being alive. Just breathing. Our hearts beating, or whatever. Our brain braining. Our livers detoxifying. Our kidneys doing whatever it is that kidneys do. All that stuff. We’re supposed to catch cancer several times a day and, like, defeat it. Isn’t that something? We’re being kept alive, but what for?

 

The problem is everything. The problem is life. The problem is existence. The problem is time. The fact that there’s more of it. That it never stops.

That the great mechanism’s at work, at work. Pumping on. Making more of the same. More of the more. It’s tedious. It’s tedium. It’s the boredom of existence. It’s the nothing of the all of the everything and the anything. Is that it? Is that your language?

It’s all organised to death. It runs in its grooves.

 

We need some sex toys. We need some variety.

Do you think?

 

I like you up here. I like you being here. I wouldn’t want to see you anywhere else. Like, out in the world. You don’t belong in the world.  You’re better than the world.

 

Aren’t you worried someone will see us?

What, hand in hand? All lovey-dovey? I like being in love.

Is that what are: in love?

Of course. What else? Like any other lovers.

We are like any other lovers.  

That’s what they all say.

I swear time’s slowing down. It’s supposed to go quickly when you’ve having fun.

Is that what we’re doing: having fun?

Write something for me. To me.

I’ll send you a love letter.

Okay, then. Send me one. Maybe sure it stands out. An old style love letter. By post. Pay tribute to me. Turn me on.

I’d like to wake up with you in the morning. I’d like to go to sleep beside you at night.

So what’s stopping you? Leave him. Move in here.

What would I be doing living with you? I’d only get in your way.

I’d like you here.

Would you, though? This whole affair is predicated upon separation. That’s its condition. Scarcity. You’d have too much of me. I’d always be here.

This flat’s too small for you – that’s what you’re saying. It’s not grand enough. It’s not some big Gosforth house.

They’re all tossers in Gosforth. At least there are real people in Cullercoats. Scuzzy people. Real people.

We’d bore each other to death. We’d be just like everyone else. Best to remain up here. Best to have just this. Contemplating the possibility of a regular relationship, whilst never actually having one.

We’d get on each other’s nerves, you know that. We’d irritate each other. All the annoying things that you do and all the annoying things that even I do. My God.

And that’s how it would play out, like it plays out for everyone. And maybe we’d reproduce to distract ourselves. Which would make things worse.

Would it?

I can't imagine you with a child. 

I can imagine you with a child, though. Cute.

I want some intensity. Something to feel. Am I being greedy? Should I just settle down and be happy? Just accept what I’m supposed to accept?

I’d like to watch you sleep.

I like it when you’re all romantic like that. I like being able to arouse that in a man. To have an effect. Isn’t it nice to be thought beautiful? Even though I’m anything but. I’m getting old, aren’t I? I’m losing my charms. These are the last of my charms …

Anyway, maybe my husband will get rid of me. Wouldn’t that be something? Maybe he’ll kick me to the curb. Maybe that’s what I deserve. And then what’ll I do? I’m used to a lifestyle. I’m spoilt, you’d say. What would I do?

Organisational management means you see everything as a management problem. Existence is a management problem. Sex is a management problems. I daresay I’m a management problem. Only you like me because I’m not quite manageable.

Is that it? Is that why I like you?

There’s a kind of chaos you can’t organise – did you know that? It was there at the dawn of time … no, before time, before the creation. And it’ll be there after it. And everything, ever since, has been failed attempt to impose order on it.

Come on – there’s order everywhere. There are laws of the universe, aren’t there? That’s what physics is about.

Yeah, but order isn’t ultimate. You’ve heard of chaos theory. Of complexity theory.

Is that what you write about?

I write about the tohu vavohu.

What’s that?

The unmanageable, in essence. It’s Hebrew.

So you know Hebrew?

I write about a whole rabbinical tradition of commentary on the Bible. And contemporary commentaries on the Bible.

And do you actually believe in God?

I believe in chaos.

And chaos is going to eat God up – that’s what you believe. Chaos is going to eat everything up. And that’s a good thing. That’s a true thing. And you’ll be happy, even as you’re eaten up.

Why not?

Who’s the organisational manager’s organisational manager? Who’s king or queen of organisational management I want to know. Who organisational managers talk about in reverence? At, like organisational manager conferences? Organisational manager meet-ups. Who’s, like the organisational management legend? Who’s the O.M. GOAT?

Stop taking the piss.

How, like, old is the field? When did organisational management begin? Do real organisational managers read academic organisational managers? Seriously. I want to know.

Just because your subject’s ancient and prestigious and totally useless.

Where are you going to say you were, to your husband? How are you going to account for yourself?

I’ll say I was at the gym, as usual. At exercise class. Or was working late.

Does he suspect? Surely he must suspect. He must have some sense that your mind’s elsewhere. And your body …

My body’s not elsewhere. I fuck him too.

Fuck. You’re so shameless.

I could father a child.

Please.

A secret child. And your husband could bring it up, thinking it was his.

Would you like that?

He’d dote on the child. He’d think the child was just great. A tribute to his ID card pushing virility, or whatever.

You’re too drunk to fuck now. You couldn’t get it up. You’re not exactly potent at the best of times. Nothing’s going to spring from your loins.

You don’t think?

How does he spend his time, anyway?

Consult. Put in funding bids. Zoom calls to Bulgaria and other half arsed nations. Tajikistan. Uzbekistan and the rest. Giving them advice. As if they haven’t got other problems.

What advice does he give them? What does he know about business?

He’s a professor of organisational management.

How could I forget?

He’s consulted with all kinds of people. He’s published a few things. He's actually very productive.

Woo – productive!

Now what?

Why do you always say now what. Isn’t this enough?

I want to do something. I don’t want to lie around, half clothed.

I like lying around, half clothed.

God … Imagine if I moved in. What would we do all day? Lie around? Fuck?

Treat ourselves very well. Eat Cullercoats fish and chips, or whatever. Walk the seafront. Maybe we’d get a dog or something.

A dog?

We’d need something to do … Maybe we’d have a child. Set up home. Buy one of those fancy buggies. Wheel our child along the seafront.

Who would we be, if we were together – properly together, I mean? Different from all the other couples? Would we be able to keep all this alive: the fucking?

Forget it. We’d fall away from all this. You’d start nagging and I’d start … withdrawing … And then we’d split up …

You don’t need me. Not with all my … baggage. You should start anew, afresh. With someone young and cute. Foreign, maybe. Who isn’t as jaded as I am.

Jaded: is that how you see yourself?

I think I’ve gone off a bit. Curdled. And I’m getting old, don’t you think? Too old for you. You need an innocent. Someone cute. With a cute young face. Someone young and unjaded. Not all knowing, like I am.

Anyway, why haven’t you got a girlfriend?

You’re my girlfriend.

A real girlfriend. Not like me.

Maybe this is all the girlfriend I need.

I admit it: I like your intellect. There, I’ve said it. But I do. I like your dedication. I like the fact that you really want to do something. Even if I like the idea of distracting you from doing anything.

I like your ambition. I find comical. And charming, And admirable. I like that there might be Important Thoughts in that dome of yours.

And you know what else I like? Taking you in hand. Touching you. I like taking you in my mouth. I like the fact that I can make you think of nothing else but fucking. It turns me on. And I like to be turned on …

I don’t want to be no one. I don’t want to be forgotten.

You won’t be forgotten.

You’ll forget me. You already have. I’ve outstayed my welcome. You’ve had your orgasm. I’ve had mine – or at least, that’s what you think.

What?

Ha – just toying with you … I should go, shouldn’t I? I should melt away into the afternoon. And instead, I’m just staying. Blocking your, like, vista. Getting in the way of your precious work. Of your thinking-time. Or your reading time. Of your writing. Because I don’t want to be forgotten.

I like exposing this. I like licking this. I like putting my tongue on this. And I like … you doing the same.

Oh – my – God. How do we work up all this lust? We’ve only just done it. And now we’re going to do it all over again.

Jesus. I can’t believe it. We’re so virile. You’re so virile. I didn’t know .. I had it in me. That desire could just spiral … This is what you lose when you’ve been married for fifteen years. Fuck. Are you wishing I’d shut up? Maybe I’m wishing I’d shut up …

Are we a cliché? Are we doing it in a clichéd way? Are you bored of this? Tell me what you want.

I like it like that.

Are you sure? Wouldn’t you like we to do it in another way?

I like it like that.

Now you sound impatient. Do you want to get back to work?

Why, do you want to get back to him?

I’d like to stay here forever, that’s all. I want to be here …

God … God … That was so good. That was as good as the first day when sex was invented.

When do you suppose that was?

About five hundred million years ago.

Think of all those animals having sex. Think of … dinosaur sex. Trilobite sex. Octopus sex – do octopuses have sex. God knows, jellyfish sex? Mammoth sex. Wow. Whale sex. And stallion sex.

Now you’re fantasising.

What did we just do? What are we doing? In the middle of the day. In the middle of the fucking universe.

Look at us, in disarray. Unguarded. Half dressed. Are we allowed to be like this? Are we allowed to do this?

The light on the floor. From the skylight … The quivering light. Is that God? Maybe it is. Maybe it’s all we know of God. A quality of light. A patch of light. Is God watching us?

I like using the word, God. I feel like I’m allowed to use the word, God, here.

What do we mean when we talk about God?

You can’t just use that word, can you? You can’t just have it.

Why not? Everything’s up for grabs at the end of history.

Is that what this is: the end of history?

How will we look back on all this? How will we remember it? Will we remember any of it at all?  We’ll be strangers to each other, one day. We won’t talk to one another anymore. We won’t phone. We won’t text. Whole decades will pass.

And you’ll still be with him?

Sure I will. I’ll be with him forever, I’m sure. It’ll just on and on. And where will you end up? And where will I end up? Dead, like everyone else. Cremated. Ashes in the sky. See, you’ve made me philosophical. How did you do that?

Everyone’s philosophical when they smoke.

God. What we’ve come to. Tawdry, tawdry. I need a shower. I need to be reborn. I need to get OUT of this place. It’s dragging me under. This is no way to live.

What do you think about all day?

I think about you.

Do you fantasise?

Sure I fantasise.

What would like to do to me?

I’d like to fuck you.

That’s funny, because I fantasise about being fucked by you. I think about you all day. I wait for this all day. It’s what I think about when I’m fucking him.

Nice.

I just want you. I wish you were around all the time.

Do you, though? I’d get on your nerves. I’d distract you from your important philosophical work. And, who knows, you’d distract me from my important organisational management work. Actually, I don’t actually do much organisational management work. Don’t tell anyone.

You’re made to be treated really well. Luxuriantly. You’re made to be spoilt. To be indulged. You have that about you.

Do I?

This whole … affair .. is about being indulged. He hasn’t indulged you enough, so you come here to be indulged.

Heavy drinking. Is that what we’re doing? Are we heavy drinkers now? Are we drink-dependent?

We need it – we need drink. We need the evening’s oblivion. We need the evening’s wipe-out. We need to cross ourselves out with alcohol. Of course we do. We shouldn’t pretend we’re not otherwise. That we can be someone else. That we can be other people.

 

We’re drunkards now. We’re on the drunkards’ slope. Down, that’s where we’re going. We’re in the downward spiral.

Sinking, that’s what we’re doing. There’s a logic to drink, and we follow that logic. We do what we’re supposed to, according to that logic. We won’t resist.

We’re drinkers now – serious drinkers. We have a drink destiny. Our futures are entwined with drink. Belong to drink. We’re on the drink path. The drink slide. We’re going all the way to oblivion.

We don’t want anything else. We don’t deserve anything else. The world was too much for us. We were defeated by the world.

 

Sure, we’ll admit it: it was the world that finished us. We’ll be buried by it: the world. We’re collapsing under it: the world. We’re dead, and worse than dead.

Because we can never die. Because death’s never reached us, found us. Because death hasn’t touched us.

Why is that? Why are we alive, who shouldn’t alive? How do we go on, who shouldn’t go on?

Still alive – but alive too late, too long. Still alive, but alive when we shouldn’t be.

When we’re just dead, and profoundly dead.

But at least we know we’re dead. At least we know where we are on the death-spiral. At least we know that death’s been dealt to us. That we’re dead already.

Does no one else know? Why does no one else seem to know? Death has already claimed us. We’re already death’s. We’ve already been claimed. We’re owned. We belong to no one but death. We’re falling more and more deeply into death.

 

The end of the night. The endless end of the night.

We’ll never sleep. We’ll never wake, either. We’ll never rest. We’re too guilty for that. We’re too deeply implicated for that.

All the things we’ve done wrong. All the crimes we’ve committed, even if they’re only imaginary. We’re outside – dreadfully so. Perpetually so. We’ll never find out way back. We’ll never come home.

Cursed … is that what we are? Cursed through the night, and to the endless end of the night? How deeply lost we are. How disoriented we are. How confused we are …

 

The beauty of death: we feel that. The beautiful attraction of death. The beautiful magnetism of death. The beautiful obviousness of death. As a threshold. As a portal. As a way into nothing, into nowhere.

 

Oblivion: is that what’s we’ve always wanted. Profound oblivion. Ceaseless oblivion.

There’s no way on. Which is a way on. Which is a way through death. Through oblivion. Which is the only way.

 

To refuse – everything. All things. The world. This world. The cruel optimism of this world.

Be clear: we’re not going any further. There are no more steps to take – not for us.

The limit: we’ve reached that. The end: we’re past that. Now there’s only the after end, which is the after death. Which is the way through death.

 

Saturated in alcohol. Pickled in alcohol. Our internal organs … what state can they possibly be in?

The harm we’re doing.

We could live to ninety. To a hundred and five. And instead? Our rotten lives. Our rotted kidneys. What are we doing to our lungs?

We smoke, for God’s sake. We’re the last smokers. The last proper smokers. What are we doing to ourselves?

 

We’re destroyers. Self-destroyers. And so we should be. We’re ruiners. Auto-ruiners. What other choice could we have?

Yes, to self-destruction. Yes, to self-burial.

Where else could things go? In what other direction?

The inevitable. We honour that. Fate. We bow to that. We don’t try to resist.

We’re being led down to the dungeons. The deeper dungeons. We’re being buried. We’re burying ourselves – willingly so.

 

We know the daily ruin. We know the daily burial. We know the botching of all plans.

We know, and with an ancient knowledge. With before-we-were-born knowledge.

We know, without nostalgia. We know – and it’s a sickening knowledge. It’s an everything’s-ruined knowledge. It’s an everything’s-fucked knowledge.

 

Is there a direction to drunkenness? Is there somewhere it’s going?

Where it taking us, drunkenness? Where are we being led? Because there is a movement in the darkness. And we’re following it. We’re carried along.

 

Free fall – is that it? Are we just falling, falling through the night?

If only there was an end to our falling. If only there was something we could be smashed against. If only we could find our rest – our destruction: one and the same.

If only we could die, be freed. Both at once. By the same stroke. If only we could meet our end, be released. At the same time. By the same stroke.

If only we could coincide with ourselves. Be present to ourselves. Now – we’d say to ourselves. Here – we’d say to ourselves. When freedom and death are one.

 

We desire – and we desire by drinking. We drink because we Want and our Wanting is infinite.

We drink because nothing earthly will satisfy us. Because the Earth is not enough for us. Because the universe is not enough for us. Because time – all of time – is not enough for us.

Because this dimension is not enough for us. Because this dimension does not suffice.

 

The drink-path, the drunken path. That does not run in a straight line. That wavers, wanders. That goes its own way.

 

Desire, capital D. As if we alone understood what that means. As if we, apart from all others, can follow Following. Can seek Seeking.

 

We are moaners – wailers. But of the highest order. We’re transcendental moaners. Deep song wailers.

Happiness – that’s what we want. Truth. But they are not of this world. They are not down here. Such things break in from above. From afar. Such things come from without. In transcendence. Such things burst across you. Such things beam down to you.

We know the world has been stolen. We know that this is a false reality. That there are Interests. Powers. That do not want the good for us.

 

Faith – drunken faith. We have that. We’re waiting for the revelation. We drink, waiting for revelation.

Because it’s there, ahead of us, through all our drunken nights. It’s there, apocalyptic, at the end of our nights. And that’s what we’re searching for. That’s what we Want, capital W. We know it. We taste it. it’s in the air. In the drunken air. It’s what we want to draw closer.

Certainty. Truth. The truth you reach by way of drinking. The truth that makes you drink, that draws you to it. Let it come. Let it be close. Oh God let it come down.

Our drunken prayer. Our prayer as drinkers. Let it come. Let God come. Let the end come. We know it: death. Universal death. Coming, as from the other end of the universe. And it is coming.

 

We drink – and reach by drinking. Until the absence of what we love becomes our loving itself. We feel the absence. We know we’re lost, and how we’re lost, and how wretched we are. And we know that God loves wretches – even us drunken wretches.

Which is why we’re holy drinkers after all. Which is why this is a holy order, our drinking order.

We become almost solemn with our drink. Seriously – grandly serious. We look upwards, silently, expectantly. There, on the other side of the sky. What? On the other side … What’s there?

If only the sky itself would turn, flip over. If only the True Sun would rise – the greater sun. That shines through all pinprick stars, but is more than them. The greater sun that is God. The absence of God. That’s why we drink.

 

We live in contradiction, we know that. We crave in contradiction. We know we’re the Opposite. At the Opposite End. And yet. We know we’re miserable creatures – but at least we know we’re creatures.

This is our journey to the end of night. This is our night voyage. This is our night ride to sunset. We’ll open the doorways. It will open, above us. Soon, soon. We feel the divine imminence.

Soon, it will come. Soon, he will come. We know it as certainty – messianic certainty. We’re all messiahs when we drink. Prophets. We cry upwards. We are not lost, after all. Or our lostness was a way of seeking, finding.

We are so lost, we’ve found it. We are so fallen, we’ll rise. We are rising. We’re drinkers of the holy order.

 

If we’re not helpless with drink, then what? If we’re not staggering from drink, who are we? Our purpose; our raison d’etre: drinking. To drink. The infinitive. To drink – now and forever. We began drinking and will never stop. We’ll drink today and we’ll be drinking tomorrow, just as we drank yesterday. There’s no end to this, just as there was never really a beginning.

 It’s a naysaying to the new Prohibition. To all the anti-drinking nudges. It’s a refusal of the new teetotalitarian world. So we’ll drink! Drink! To everything. To the moon and stars. We’ll toast the lot. Toast the universe. Toast ourselves in the universe, living against the universe, refusing the universe, refusing to succumb to the universe. Toast ourselves as the last refusers standing …

 

We’re not pubists. This is not pubism. This is not a retreat into the pub, but an escape through it. The pub as launchpad.

No consolation here. No sheltering. No huddled together sharing our problems. No crying into our beer. No whisky lamentation about the state of our lives.

We’re looking to light the touchpaper. We’re looking to launch. Looking to flare upwards. To burn up. We don’t want to live low. We don’t want to sink. We’re not to be confined. If it’s oblivion we want, it’s oblivion in flames.

No pubism. No pub mediocrity. We’re mediocre in life, God knows. There’s mediocrity everywhere – God knows. But in the pub …

We’re looking to bestir ourselves. We’re looking to snatch a little transcendence from the day. We trying not to be buried with our defeats. We want to roll away our stones. We want to be resurrected. We want a last chance, in the last hours before closing time.

 

Every night, oblivion. Every night, losing ourselves happily. We drink … why? Because we do not want to be ourselves. Because we’re tired of being ourselves. Because we don’t want to be ourselves for the night.

 

We drink to forget. We drink to be suspended in forgetting. To be carried along by forgetting. By hope. Forgetting today’s lessons. What we learnt today. What was impossible for us today. How we fucked up again today. How we screwed life up for ourselves today. How we got it wrong today.

We drink to forget – our mistakes. Our blunderings. Our straying from the path. Our afternoon melancholy. We want to forget. Who we are. What we’ve been. We want another chance. The chance of another chance.

There’s an opening that we have to refind, drunkenly. Gropingly. A sense of the possible. A sense of youth – that we can recover our youths. That we can return to youth again.

We want to be innocent again – drunkenly innocent. We want to be young again, for a night. We want to lift our heads, for a night. We want to look up into the sky, for a night. Upwards! At the sky, rushing. At the clouds rushing against the sky.

Hoping for a twist in our despair. Hoping for a turn in our despair. And that’s all we can hope for: that our despair might change direction. That our despair might change quality. Might taste different. Might offer itself in another tone. Another flavour.

 

To be absorbed by the black sun. To disappear into the black sun. We’re drowning in the black sun.

A new turn in despair. A detour in despair. A way despair isn’t quite so despairing, for a moment. A novelty in despair. Still despair, but a slightly changed despair.

 

Despair. Basic. A given. The first thing: despair. Waking in despair, breakfasting in despair, walking to the Metro in despair, catching the Metro in despair, heading up to the purple office in despair. What has there ever been but despair?

Unrelenting, our despair. Continual, our despair. How do you get out from under it? From its pressure? How can you make the weight of despair shift? So it doesn’t press down as heavily. Our limbs are heavy. We walk bent over. Spiritually bent over, if not actually bent over.

Do we deserve this? What did we do wrong, in a previous life? What sin did we commit, in a previous life? And where are we going to take this life? What’s going to happen in this life, and in future lives?

 

Outbreaks of evil. A kind of weather of evil. Changeable evil.

The evil is massing, like clouds. Evil, thickening. Covering the sky. My God, is that all there is: evil? Is there only unrelenting evil? Is it really evil from the beginning to the end?

We need help with evil, just as we need help with despair. We need someone wise in … spiritual attacks. Because there are demons out there. They’re quite real. And demons inside, too. Demons we’ve invited inside, somehow. Who’ve come inside, possessed us.

 

Why can’t there be some peace in despair. Some tranquillity. Some let up. Why must it always crowd us? Press itself up to us?

Why won’t it let us get away from it? Establish some distance. Why won’t it make room for something other than despair?

 

Lack of hope – that’s what it means. But the de- of despair isn’t privative. Nothing’s lacking. It’s total. It crowds everything else out. It is itself and nothing other than itself.

 

Our despair – it isn’t even ours. It doesn’t even belong to us. It comes from outside. It’s a curse. It’s an invasion. Somehow we allowed it in.

We need an exorcist. A spiritual expert. Where should we go? To the nearest church? Fall on our knees?

We’re in spiritual need. In desperate need. Is there someone who could cure us? Who could reach us?

 

Does drinking induce despair or lighten it? Lighten it – for the night. But there are hangovers the next day. There’s weariness the next day. Beingabandoned to weariness next day.

Shouldn’t we forgo drinking? Shouldn’t we just stop? But what then? A night without lightness. A night without anti-despair.

We can’t fight despair all by ourselves. We need the drink – don’t we? We need alcohol – that’s right, isn’t it? We need an accelerant. We need an intensifier. Otherwise – what?

 

We need to soar in our despair. Touch despair’s roof. Touch despair’s sky – the limits of its sky. Rise against its gravity. Struggle with it. Against it. Rise – cry. And then sink down again – of course. And then fall again – necessarily.

You rose. You cried. You drank. And drink lifted you. Drink bore you upwards. You were drunk, in your despair, but not, for a moment, defeated in your despair. You rose against. You rose – touched the sky. Fell back.

We gasp like fish at the surface of the water. We gasp into the open air. We gasp, and we don’t know what we’re gasping for. We look up, and we don’t know what we’re looking at. We see the sky, and we don’t know what it is. Are we alive? Are we dead? We don’t even know that. We don’t know anything.

Lost from everything. From ourselves. We don’t know how to take a single step forwards.  We don’t know how to live – just live. To continue breathing. We don’t know how to take a breath. We’ve forgotten how to breathe. How to walk. How to put one foot in front of the other.

We’ve forgotten the simplest of things. My God, we don’t know the simplest things. We’re so estranged from life. Life – we don’t know what that means. To live, just to live – impossible for us. Forbidden – for us.

And so we wander in the world’s night. Without knowing where to go. What to do.

Loss, endless loss. Day after day of loss.

But at least we have each other. At least we have companions in negativity. In utter world-disgust. In world horror.

 

The corruption is cosmic. The degradation is world-encompassing. We scream, inside. We cry behind our eyes.

We know what we do not want – at least we know that. We know what we hate – at least, at least.

And we’re not alone, with our hatred. There are others, with our hatred. We are with others, with our hatred. We don’t have to bear it alone.

Which means the world isn’t so bad. That things aren’t quite unbearable. That there’s a way through, after all. That there’s a path.

And the sky’s so beautiful. The sky, unparalleled tonight, in its beauty. The sky is the sky, and so far above us. The sky’s at least the sky. We can depend on the sky, at least. Things aren’t quite so desperate. The sky remains the sky. He clouds remain the clouds.

 

This isn’t our world. We didn’t ask to be born into this world – into any world. We didn’t ask to be lost here. We didn’t ask to be marooned.

 

We’re in denial. We’re in massive denial. How could it be otherwise? We cannot face what we have to face. We cannot endure what we have to endure. The sky, above us. The clue to transcendence. To release. The clue to be freed from this world. For heading out of this world.

We don’t want to be here. Even to live is too much for us. Even to go on. Even to take a single step – too much.

 

These are disgusting days. These are revolting days. These are lost days. My God …

We’d tear the world up if we could. We’d take revenge. For every botched day. For every disastrous day. For the disaster of our lives.

 

Our prayer: Don’t let us be this lost. Don’t let us destroy ourselves – not yet. Give us time. A little more time. Draw out our self-destruction. Fuck it, we’re not ready to die – not yet.

There are more variations on despair – on our despair.

 

We’d scream if we could. We’d scream and never stop screaming. We’d wake up the dead – all the dead. We’d bring them all back to life – the dead. The murdered dead. The slain dead. We’d give them a voice – a screaming voice. They could scream up to the fucking sky. And so could we. We’d scream, too. We’d raise our voices. In protest. In solidarity.

 

And we’re mad, too. We’re lost, too. We’re fucked too. In the head. In every other part of our lives.

We’re fuckers-up. We’ve fucked up our lives.

We’ve not long left. But who needs long left?

We’ll drink ourselves to death. We’ll throw ourselves into the sea. We’ll do something – something bad. We’ll do what the world wants. We’ll finish ourselves off, which is what the world wants.

Murder! Self-murder! Suicide! Of course! Auto-destruction! What else? What else could we imagine wanting?

 

We’re running out of air. We’re running out of time. We’re running out of road. We’ve outstayed our welcome – we know. We stayed too long.

The bar’s closing. The world’s closing. Time gentlemen please and all that. It’s closing time – of course it is. There’s nothing left for us – why should there be? There was never any place for us – for our kind.

 

Misfits – that’s what we were. The maladjusted. The maladroit. We didn’t know what to do, what to say. We know when to leave. When to take ourselves out. When to pop the bullet into the head.

We know we’re surplus to requirements. We know we’re not needed here . We know we bring nothing, add nothing. We know we’re awkwards. We’re misfirers.

 

Death a thousand times over. Death and then death. Death and then death again. That’s our lives. Our non-lives.

We’re dead, we’re dead. That’s our excuse – that’s always our excuse.

We’re dead and didn’t know. We died a long time ago – we’ve died a thousand times. That’s what we tell ourselves.

Death is our world! Death’s all we know! We’ve never lived, not really. Not for a moment.

We were born dead. We arrived dead. My God! What chance did we have? Born posthumous! No one should have expected anything! It’s a miracle we got as far as we did. But how far did we really get?

Drunken philosophy – our specialism. Bar philosophy. Bar thoughts. That we could not have thought otherwise.

So our drunken nights will not have been in vain. So we’ll understand them as a quest. As a search. So we’ll describe ourselves as ascetics of drinking. As busy with drinking-ascesis.

Ours will have been a drinking search. A search through drinking. A search that can only be undertaken through drinking. That needs drinking. That begins with drinking, and perhaps ends with it, too. Whose means are drinking …

There’s a place for disorientation in thought. For confusion in thought. Errors are necessary. Wanderings off the path – far from the path. Staggerings. Stumblings.

Drinking mustn’t be consolation. Mustn’t be reconciliation to the way things are. The pub is not a place for petty moanings. For gossip. For he said this or she said that. And I said. The pub is a space capsule. We’re exploring. This is a voyage, right here at our table. Right here, with our beer mats. With our pints.

And if it doesn’t happen for us here, there are other pubs. There’s the movement from pub to pub. There’s the pub crawl.

 

Vigilance. We have to watch over our nights of drinking. Less they slip into complacency. Less they fall away into pubism. Into the pub consolation. Into pub comfort.

We have to keep our eyes on the farthest vistas. On the vastest skies.

Drink is a means, first of all: we have to remember that. There’s such a thing as drunken discipline.

See, if we drank ourselves to death now, there’d be no one to say, What a shame. They showed such promise. What they could have been, were it not for their fatal flaw.

It’s too early to develop a drink problem, really. We still haven’t shown any promise. We haven’t been abroad as serious players. As philosophical contenders.

No one’s cheering for us. No one’s expecting things of us. It’s only once we’ve started to gain a reputation that we should start drinking ourselves to death.

 

If we died now, no one would say, What a loss. What a wasted talent. What a pity. What they could have been. What potential. Where they could taken thought, if only they hadn’t have been cut off in his prime.

Destiny still regards us as randomers. As random fuckheads. Not philosophy-princes in waiting, or anything. So we can’t just give into alcohol yet.

 

It’s not as if we need time off from being a genius. It’s not that we have talent to burn. Potential to waste. It’s not as if we’re half destroyed by the attempt to think – to realise our genius, to see it home. It’s not that there are thought-tasks too vast for us. Too arduous.

We’re not broken by what we’re trying to do. By who we’re trying to be. We’re not destroyed by our efforts. By the burden of our genius. We’re not actually tormented – properly tormented. We haven’t got a fatal flaw that’s stopped us achieving what we want to achieve.

 

There’s nothing tragic about mediocrity. We’re not mad, or even half mad. We’re not alcoholics, or even half-alcoholics. The instinct of self-preservation’s too strong in us.

Mediocrity finds itself all too bearable. Mediocrity wants to continue as it is. It’s not at war with itself, like genius. It isn’t torn, like brilliance.

Mediocrity’s contemplating a long, long life. Being itself for, basically, forever. Just going on, mediocrely. Just perpetuating itself. Cruising on, self-satisfied. Happy enough with itself. Reconciled to itself. Unambitious, in a fundamental sense. Unperturbed. Reaching no heights – no depths.

Never on its knees. Never at prayer. Never desperate. Never asking to be anything other than what it is. Mediocrity’s just fine, thank you. Mediocrity’s perfectly reconciled to the way things are. Mediocrity doesn’t want to change the world. Doesn’t want revolution. It’s happy to persist. To just go on, year after year, being itself. More and more itself. Confirming itself, over and over.

 

Mediocrity, never wanting to sacrifice itself. To let itself burn in service of anything higher. Never reaching. Never craving the most high or the most low. In the middle ground. Keeping things as they are. Preserving itself. Making more of itself. Preserving itself. Making the world safe for itself – for more mediocrity.

 

No one’s trying to snatch the pint glass from our lips. No one’s decided to intervene. No one’s saying, Don’t you think you’ve had too much? No one’s Concerned, capital C. No one’s discussing us with others. No one’s planning an intervention.

We’re allowed to do what we like, which is fine because we’d never really do anything. We’d never actually drink ourselves to death.

 

Self-preservation: our most shameful feature. Wanting to remain in existence, for all our suicide-talk.

We play with suicide. We toy with the idea. But we’d never do anything. Death isn’t real enough to us.

And we’re not mad. We’ve got no signs of madness. Madness isn’t driving us to brilliance. We’re not fundamentally imbalanced. There’s not some basic chemical error in our makeup. We’re sane – terribly sane. Boringly sane. Mediocrely sane.

There’s no Hölderlin amongst us. There’s no Antonin Artaud. There’s no Sexton, no Plath. And we’re not perturbed about that. We don’t mind about that.

We want to plant ourselves on earth for a few decades. To live out a life – a mediocre life. To carry on as we are, undisturbed, unwagered. Unsacrificed. To perpetuate ourselves, our kind. To make more of ourselves, more mediocres. More unambitious.

We want to go on a bit longer. Adding nothing to the world, and taking nothing away, not really. Negating nothing. Suspending nothing. Letting it be what it is. Living at no distance from the world. At one with it, the world.

We read the wild stuff, but we’re not wild. We comment on the mad stuff, but we’re not mad. We always bring it home – to a mediocre home. We always reduce it. Level it down – all the way down. There’s not a flame we don’t want to dampen. There’s not a fire we aren’t drawn to smother.

We’re going to grow old – imagine that! We’re setting a course towards middle age, towards old age. We’ll go on! We’ll continue! And we’ll get fat, too, probably. We’ll grow paunches. We’ll droop. Our asses will sag. Our jowls will swing.

We’ll get comfortable in middle age. We’ll wear big sweaters, or whatever. We’ll love comfortable things. We’ll have comfortable things all around us. We’ll lounge in comfortable chairs. We’ll watch comfortable programmes. We’ll read comfortable magazines. We’ll busy ourselves gardening, and stuff like that. We’ll learn to drive, given half a chance. Drive from here to there. Visit our in-laws, or whatever.

We’ll have a partner in life of course. A marriage! Imagine that! Emotional stability. It won’t be all romantic chaos. Lovers. Break ups. Affairs. Monogamy: that’s for us! Very calm! And we’ll have couple friends. Dinner parties. We’ll cook for one another, couple for couple.

And mediocre talk over the table. The unintense talk. Not burning the world down talk. Not destroying the world talk. Not self-murder talk. Not revolutionary talk. Not turn the world upside down talk. Not desperation talk. Not just too much talk.

We’ll unlearn intensity. Adolescent zeal. Even love – we’ll unlearn that. Because we’ll love only mediocrely. And we’ll only hang out with the mediocre – our fellow mediocres. We’ll love only the average. And only love averagely. And only love the average.

 

Our mediocrity doesn’t provoke us: that’s the worst thing. It doesn’t make us live differently. We don’t Desire, capital D.

Drinking our way to what? Drink, leading us where?

 

We’re losing control. And drinking puts us back in control of something again. We know where the evening’s heading.

Do we?

An acceleration into the night. A rushing into nothingness.

Is that it?

 

Our Yearnings, greater than we are. What we Want, greater than we are. What we Desire, vaster than we are.

We drink with tears in our eyes. With tears on our cheeks.

 

God was drunk when he made us. He’s drunk as he loves us. And we’re drunk when we turn to him. When we pray.  Drunken prayers are the most sincere prayers.

 

Drunken worship. We’re the only ones whose prayers God hears.

He likes drunken prayers best of all, we’re sure of it. Slurred prayers. The prayers of staggerers. 

 

When we bow our drunken heads. When we speak our drunken prayers. When we slur our drunken words.

 

Cosmic drinking: that’s what this is.  

Is nothingness greater than God? Is God greater than nothing? Does our atheism devour God? Or did God give us our atheism to purify us, to prepare us for religion?

We’re always at a remove from everything, aren’t we? We’re always stepping out of the moment and looking down at it. Or looking up at it. Or looking sideways at it. But we’re never in it, are we? Or perhaps you are. But I’m not. Don’t get me wrong – I like being here with you. I like our erotic afternoons, but …