Philistines

Won’t they just let us do our thing for a while? Are they going to interfere? I’ll bet they are. They won’t leave us alone, will they?

They’ll never leave us alone.

 

I want to make something out of my whole life. Every thing I ever was. And then I won’t have been nothing.

I’d actually quite like to be a nothing. A nothing-scholar. Someone totally forgotten, almost at once. And whose name might appear in a couple of footnotes. Who might have been cited once or twice … Actually, I think I should become a nun. A scholarly nun. I think it would be just the thing. Do they exist anymore?

Nuns can’t swear or talk about suicide all day.

What’s the word when you convert from nothing – from no religion? From just atheism? Because it’s not conversion, is it?

 

I’ll tell you when I’m happiest. When I’ve just made a pot of tea and I’m just sat there, ready to work. When I’ve cleared a whole day. It’s Saturday, or Sunday. And I have the curtains half closed, so there isn’t too much light. So I won’t see things that distract me.

Though it’d be even better if some hottie were curled up on the sofa sharing the tea. Some fellow scholar, maybe. Working at either end of a table. Taking regular sex breaks. Actually, I’d prefer it if she wasn’t a scholar. I’d prefer a civilian – a non-academic.

 

Oh I know it wouldn’t suit you. I know you’re far too pure and solitary to actually shack up with someone. You want to be all on your own for the spiritual desolation, don’t you? To be a bachelor scholar. You want to experience some pitch of loneliness that might let you write heartfelt things. Anguished things! Like some romantic poet. A Holderlin of North Shields.

Except I write prose.

II can see you now: up in your flat. How many flights up?

Top floor.

Your top floor flat. With your views … Did you ever think you could afford a flat?

Never.

Do you feel very, very lucky?

Sure I do.

Do you feel it shouldn’t have happened to you?

Definitely.

You and me the same. It’s turned out well, hasn’t it?

For the moment.

Do you think we’re going to be allowed to dream our lives away? Just doing what we do? Is this who we are now? Are we going to be this forever?

 

Do you know anyone who actually reads books? Civilians, I mean, not academics.

No.

It’s a philistine world, right?

And we’re the philistines. We’re worse than anyone. What we call reading …