All we have is our disgust. The great awakening of our disgust. The great call to arms of it: our disgust. Our great hatred. That is made tangible. Tastable. In this wine.
Our disgust actually made disgusting. Not just some … mental attitude. Not just some passing mood. It’s physical. Tastable. It makes us retch. This retching is a gift. We have to retch. Retch it all up. Retch ourselves up. Ourselves as filth. And the filth of the world that made us filth.
Our great question: who made us like this? Who turned us into this? How did we become this? What evil – what great evil is responsible? What monster? Who did this to us? Who caused this? Who made this? In what terrible act of cruelty? In what dreadful fit of wrath?
Who is our Creator? Who placed the curse upon us? Who made us sin? Who brought us low – so terribly low? Who condemned us? Who crushed us? Who murdered us? Who turned us against ourselves? Who gave us life sentences in this world – in the filth of this world?
Who made us hate ourselves? Who made it so that we could only hate ourselves? Who brought it about, this anti-miracle? This evil – there’s no other world for it: evil? This Satanism?
Who threw us into the world? Who abandoned us here? Who left us without guidance? To fend for ourselves? To gnash our teeth and wail in the desert?
What great sadism lies behind this? What evil Plan? What diabolism? What teeth gnashing in the darkness? What perversion of God’s true plan? What despoiling of God’s goodness?
Who’s done this to the Good? Who’s perverted the Good? Who’s destroyed the Good?
And Beauty – who murdered Beauty? Who desecrated Beauty? Who defaced the face of Beauty?
And the True? Who multiplied the lies? Who let the lies obscure the Truth? Forget the truth. Mock the truth. Parody the truth.
And God? Because this is the abolition of God. This is the banishment of God. This is the forcing of God out of the world. This is the diminution of God – dare we believe that?
As though God were rent in two. As though God was split into good and evil. As though the Demi-urge was born from God, the rending of God.
This world is evil: that’s all. This world is ugly, and with a horrific ugliness.
This world is bestial. This world screams. This world thrashes. As though possessed. Our live as a thrashing. This world is inhabited. It is demonic all in all. And this world knows it. This world feels it.
It’s there in the world: this feeling. Even we feel it: this feeling. Disgust! Of course, disgust.
But we know that our disgust has another side. That our disgust calls out to something else. That our despair is a deformation of hope. That our loathing is a mockery of love. That the Satanic demi-urge of this world is a version of the True God beyond it.
Who did this to us? Something’s wrong. Those two words. Something – everything. Everything’s wrong. Everything’s Wrong. Teeth gnashing in the darkness. What made us like this?
Are these prayers? Are these cries? Calls? Are these pleas? We wake up in darkness. We wake up in disgust. We open our eyes. Look upwards. Pray, in our own way. For relief. This is not our world, we tell ourselves. We do not want this world. We don’t know anything else, but we know this: this is not our world.
Work in Progress 